Money Laundering

OK, I know what you're thinking: Those bills look like they were part of a botched bank robbery dye pack explosion! No, we haven't started robbing banks. Let me explain:

Relatively recently we've decided to try to use cash rather than debit or credit cards as much as possible. There are a few reasons for this:

1. We have a better sense of how much we are spending when we can see how much is in our wallets at the end of a week compared with the beginning. The money is "real" and not an abstract concept.
2. The use of credit and debit cards enable banks and other financial institutions to track your purchases and create a very detailed profile of who you are, where you are and your (fill in the blank) preferences. I know, maybe paranoid but it's just a little creepy when you know that there are paid number crunchers who are making inferences from your purchases which they can then pass on to advertisers to better target you with more advertising, loan offers, credit card deals, etc.
3. ATM fees and transaction fees that Visa and MasterCard charge are exorbitant and only possible through nearly monopolistic market share. Essentially they are enticing the banks with a higher cut of the transaction fees that they charge businesses to process each transaction. The businesses have the choice of paying the fees or accepting cash only. Most accept the cards and pass the fees on to the consumer. If there was real competition the services would be reduced to a commodity and the fees would be reduced accordingly. There isn't enough competition so there are huge profit margins on each transaction.

There are some obvious risks and inconveniences in using cash though.

1. Cash isn't always convenient to withdraw.
2. Your cash can be stolen.
3. Going inside to pay for gas can take up to 3 times as long than paying at the pump.
4. You might wash your wallet with the red felt lined bill pocket which would then stain your bills making them look like they were the object of an amateur bank robbery dye pack explosion.

Today I want to talk about number four. After washing my wallet (which held up remarkably well) my money was all stained red. Most of the bills were only stained around the edges but the bill at the front and the back, which were in direct contact with the felt, turned redder than a stop sign.

I took them to our bank (one of the big four) but the teller took it to another guy who appeared to be an acting manager. He came over to me and said "Yeah.... actually we're supposed to take these away and destroy them. You don't want to give this to us." He suggested that I try to deposit it in the ATM but not knowing the odds of success I wasn't ready to take the chance that my account would actually be credited.

I asked if there was a way to look up the numbers to make sure that these bills were not part of a robbery but he said no. I took them home and washed them again. I tried rubbing alcohol on them and vinegar and baking soda but none of that made a noticeable difference.

I am hoping that I can crowd source a solution here. Does anyone have a suggestion to either clean the bills or some idea for a safe exchange of the money. I thought that there were some rules about the legal tender of bills issued by the government. For instance, when I was a kid I remember hearing something about a minimum amount of the bill that must be intact for it to be tendered but that big chunks could be missing and it would still be OK. True? Not true?

It's alright to be creative with suggestions about removing the red color I'll try out any ideas on the $5 first. I am mostly concerned with retaining the value of the $100.

Oh yeah, and on a related note the Huffington Post is trying to get everyone to "Move Your Money" They have some good points. It's a financial take on the local movement and a response to the bailout mess.